Vegetarians and vegans beware: The goal of any meat eater who is friends with a vegetarian or vegan is to trick that vegan into eating meat.

I’m not talking a peripheral goal, something we try once in a while. When you are in the room this is the primary focus of our lives. Now sometimes you don’t see it, because either you are being tricked or we are building trust for later trickery. As twisted as it is there is nothing more exciting than to see a vegetarian eat meat.

An example of this systemic trick is the vegi-dog. Don’t kid yourself, that was not something vegetarians demanded. The vegi-dog was created as a tool to facilitate the reintroduction of meat. So after you’re used to eating vegi-dogs, someone swaps in a meat hotdog and bam you’re back to carnivore.

If it were up to me a pack up 12 vegi-dogs would have a government mandate hidden meat dog 1/12 and we can gradually increase the rate. It’s the meat version of nicotine gum.

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I bet you like to bake cookies at home, I used to. They’re fun to make, and taste way better than the store bought cookies, or do they?

How long have you been making cookies, 10 years, 20 years, maybe even 40 years? Well good for you, give yourself a pat on the back. Nabisco has been making cookies since 1898, that’s 110 years. Suddenly you download a recipe from the Internet throw in some chocolate and you’re better than 110 years of experience, I don’t think so. If that’s how you feel, you’re an arrogant jerk (lesson number one: insult your readers), if you did make good cookies that was beginners luck.

Sure you’ve got the recipe, but you can look up treatments for disease on WebMD, that doesn’t mean you self medicate (unless it’s depression which I believe is best self medicated with alcohol, but better look it up) we’ve got to leave this stuff to the professionals.

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I don’t believe in disaster preparedness. I believe in knowing who is disaster prepared and being ready to rob them. If shit hits the fan, I will take your clean water and food. My survival is pretty important to me, when I’m minutes away from death, fair isn’t such an issue.

It that really my mindset? I’m not sure. What I do know is all I currently have for a disaster plan is “If there is an earthquake, immediately run to Safeway and look as much food and water as possible, remember to bring a quarter for the shopping cart”. A pretty good plan if you ask me, I think everybody plans to loot but how many will remember to bring the quarter for a cart.

Consider that my gift to you, if you want to be disaster prepared, don’t buy food and water and flashlights, just carry a quarter (if you want to be really prepared carry a $1 coin as well as some stores and particularly evil).

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Here’s a rule of thumb, don’t brag about the features of your technology that you don’t know how to use.

“Yeah my cellphone is so awesome I can only use half the features”

In that case, ya got ripped off. I want a cellphone that does nothing but make calls and it’s only good for making one call a day then I feel like I use it to it’s capacity.

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That’s right, vegans and vegetarians scare me, I believe they are slowly trying to undermine not only my ability to eat meat, but any food at all.

The question is what happens when vegans win, when we stop eating meat, they are going to tell us to stop eating any vegetable with animal like features. If you want corn, no dice, it had ears. Luckily lettuce is okay, as long as you get the leafy stuff, but a head of lettuce and you’re heading to hell (oh yeah, pun!).

The downfall of the vegetable movement is the venus flytrap, because a plant that eats meat and will confuse them into submission. We should build statuses to the venus flytrap, in evolution this is the plant that paved the way for us meat eaters.

…Weird, I wrote this one twice, here is the other version:

I’m afraid of vegans, because what happens after that once they’ve won the battle against us eating anything delicious. Sure you may think you like fruit, but you only like it when they clear cut a forest to grow it, and to clear cut the forest animals died, therefore fruit in most cases equals meat.

I imagine once vegans win this battle they will move on and not allow us eat vegetables that have human features. Maybe it’s a nice fall evening and you were thinking of having corn for supper, no dice, it has ears. Lettuce? Okay, was long as you get the leafy stuff, but it’s still immoral to eat a lettuce head.

How can we fight back? Simple, when you are at the grocery store arrange the fruits, vegetables and grains to look like an animal so the vegans will be scared off an unable to eat them, sooner of later this group runs out of food, then we can all move on with our lives.

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I’d like you to take a moment out of your day and ponder, what was the cat in the hat?

What we know
He was giant
He could talk

Neither of these are regular cat traits. He has to be a crossbreed, part lion (size), part cat (duh), part human (speech, walking on two legs). Dr. Zeus repeated himself quite a bit in his books so another explanation is that the cat in the hat is part parrot. The other question is if the cat in the hat was homeless would he live with alley cats or people, I imagine he wouldn’t feel comfortable with either.

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Restless Leg Syndrome

Amid all the talks, books, and medications to help people get active and reduce obesity I was shocked to discover an ad for a medicine that cures restless legs syndrome. The commercial touts “restless legs syndrome is when if your legs want to keep moving when you don’t”. Maybe I’m reading between the lines, but it seems that your legs want physical activity and you don’t so this is a tranquilizer that says “go to hell body, I’ll you walk you another day”.

Isn’t it time you got rid of that pesky exercise feeling?

I imagine next there will be a “medicine” we give dogs so they won’t want to walk so much.

“Tired of walking your dog all the time? That’s fine, just sedate him, your dog will never ask to walk again”

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When I was a child we would put a bell on our cat so that that so it couldn’t catch birds, it would be a warning. This was okay, I don’t want a dead bird in my house and give we cats food at home. In the wild however, that would be a cruel practical jokes to play on a lion. When he’s sleeping we slip a bell around the lion’s neck. Next time he’s chasing a gazelle *ring* and the gazelle is off. After three weeks, jingle bells, just killed a lion, I knew holiday traditions were terrible.

The Takeaway:
Bells impede stealthiness.
This isn’t animal cruelty because more gazelles live than lions die.

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I do something that I hate, mindless office chatter. “How’s the weather? I’m good, how are you?”

One of my co-workers, he said “I’m doing great”, and he says that everyday.

Then you’re not doing great, you’re doing regular. My co-worker is a liar. Do yours lie to you?

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Did you know that suicide is illegal, seems crazy, but it also forces us to take a look at other laws. If suicide is illegal, smoking should be illegal. Otherwise we are rewarding people who smoke for killing themselves but sucking at it.

Estimated Time of Death

•     Suicide: 10 seconds
•     Smoking: 50 years

The result is the same; the smoker is just doing a shitty job at getting there. Cut you the middleman, with a knife.

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