Gas tax is a terrible tax, because it doesn’t address the true lechers of society, which is why I hereby propose we abolish gas tax and immediately introduce a passenger tax. That’s right, you lazy passengers, who just let your friends drive you around. You don’t pay for gas, insurance, car lease or parking. When you do chip in its $5, which doesn’t buy the gas to get two the station.

You think you’re doing fine without a car, that’s because other people take you everywhere, your bicycle is just collecting dust. If we tax passengers suddenly we can get rid of these free loader once and for all.

How exactly do we collect the tax, any ideas?

Ps. I’m one of these free loaders.

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Many of us are well aware that celery takes more calories to chew than are actually in it. It sounds cool, this is exciting. No, it’s not, this is scary.

If you eat enough celery you will starve to death. How bout that!

“No thanks mom, I won’t eat my vegetables, because they’re trying to kill me”.

In fact if you were to give somebody in a starving country celery, that wouldn’t make you a humanitarian, that would make you a murderer.

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Three reasons I don’t believe in toothpaste, and neither should you:

1. They made some tainted stuff in China
2. There are hundreds of different kinds, if they found one that worked don’t you think they would have stopped there?
3. They all say they are “recommended by dentists”, I’m yet to meet somebody who trusts dentists

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With global warming around the corner there is one thing for sure, Zoos are looking to beef up their inventory. It works two fold, animals die, now the zoo is the only one left with the animal. Two, animals habitats are ruined and the last refugee is the zoo. Animals having their habitats ruined and having to move into the zoo is kind of like a kid who has to move back into his parent’s house because he messed something up. Except in this case it’s more like his parents went out and burned down his apartment his out forcing him back home under their protection.

Maybe more people would adopt stray dogs and cats if when you adopt an animal from the SPCA there was a 1 in 10 chance you would get a zoo animal (which are way cooler). The downside of course if that you just start adopting animals until you get a zoo animal. What do you do with all the extra non-zoo animals?

Anyone for Chinese takeout?

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Everybody vitamin enriches foods to make unhealthy foods good for you. At this point society actually looks down on regular foods.
“Oh, those vitamins are naturally in the vegetables, no thank you, I only trust vitamins that were artificially added”
I am going to start selling heroine with a twist of multi-vitamin.

”Well, it’s heroine, but I am getting my vitamins. On the one hand, mother would be upset on the other hand, I’m doing exactly as she told me”

The problem with vitamins now is we don’t know what’s good for us. It used to be that if it tasted bad then it’s good for you, but now that they just add vitamins right and left, there is no structure to tell what is nutritious, no, reading is not an option

I think I will also vitamin enrich poison, so when I try to off somebody they will be twice as healthy making the death twice as painful (further to fall).

If you could vitamin enrich one food what would it be?

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I’m going to start a business and sell cells phones to schizophrenics. They will pay monthly for the plan, and think they are talking to people, but really, the phones, don’t even have batteries, they just hallucinating somebody on the other line. In fact the phones are shoes.

My one concern with this plan is that someday day one of them calls me up:

“Hello”
“I thought you said I free daytime minutes”
“No I never said that… and dude, you’re phoning from a shoe, how the hell did you get me on the line”

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