Lets just put this out in the open.

Baking Soda is an asshole, a control freak, and a little self-involved.

He thinks he can do everything better than everybody else. Baking Soda is out for your job.

First it was just about the muffins, and he knocked off baking powder. That wasn’t enough, he needed more control over our lives.

So he started absorbing odors, knocking out the Glade plug-in. Did I mention he’s also a secret cleaning agent?

Now that backing soda is in the muffins that got stuck in my teeth, he’s in the toothpaste that gets it out. Sounds like somebody is working both angles. Organized crime perhaps?

Moral of the story, be a team player baking soda, stick to one thing, and stop screwing over other consumer products.

No Comments | Tags: this blog

If you think your kids have learning difficulties but can’t afford to get them legitimately tested I have a plan.

1.    Place fork in child’s hand
2.    Place child next to outlet
3.    See what happens
a.    If child shocks self once, OK
b.    If child shocks self twice or more, put them up for adoption

…Science.

No Comments | Tags: this blog

If a telemarketer calls, what do you do?

•    “Never call again!”
•    “How would you feel if I called your house!”
•     “I was just masturbating, but you have a sexy voice, go on…”

Nope, none of the above (well maybe the last).

The key is to keep the telemarketing on the line.

“I’m very interested in your product, lets talk for 20 minutes”

Then after 20 minutes you get ready to order, then click hang up. You just wasted the telemarketers time, and saved countless others from harassment. Trust me they won’t be calling again, you’ve made it unprofitable. Besides missing 20 minutes of American Idol is good for you too.

No Comments | Tags: this blog

This is part two on the topic of accomplishment. First we looked at the topic of feeling accomplished now we will dig deeper into something much more important.

Lazy people, at work, they try to look busy in case the boss comes by. That’s fine and dandy, but it’s not maintainable. If you spend all your time trying to look busy, eventually that’s called doing work. There has got to be a better way.

Here it is, don’t bother looking busy, rather, master this new system LOOKING ACOMPLISHED.

Someone else can look like they are working hard, you gotta look like you’re already finished the task. Sounds like somebody (me) is ready for a promotion.

Here is how you do it:

• Pause
• Look up
• Look serious but pleased
• Scatter papers all over your work area
• Create a to-do list with all items already crossed off

And that is how you make it to up upper-management kids.

No Comments | Tags: this blog

I like the day after I go for a run, or to the gym. My body aches, but if feels good. I know just by how my body feels, that I worked hard yesterday, that I accomplished something. I don’t even need to remember what it was, it’s just the feeling of success.

I’ve found another way to replicate this feeling. Drinking.

The next day, I’m sore, tired, dehydrated. I must have accomplished something amazing yesterday. Did I climb a mountain?

I don’t remember, but I have never felt so accomplished in my life. I’m done with the gym.

No Comments | Tags: this blog

No Friday this week, see you Monday.

No Comments | Tags: Uncategorized

I went to the to grocery store and I bought a single apple, put it in a bag, used a twist tie, stood in line, took up the cashiers times, paid with Visa. Happiest day of my life, because I am sure they lost money on me. So don’t piss me off business world, or I will become your best customer and drive you into bankruptcy.

That is all.

[Surprise surprise, today is the day my pre-written posts ran out, so you get this drivel, I’ll work on some more stuff this weekend]

No Comments | Tags: this blog

Do you recycle? I like to, it’s nice to know I’m partly responsible for the demise of the forestry industry.

I do believe in the environmental benefits, it’s a good thing. However, when I buy a coffee at Starbucks, I don’t care that the cup is 10% recycled.

“Hey, can I see your cup, okay great, so the cup is 10% recycled, and the sleeve is 40%, okay but the cup is 5 times more mass than the sleeve, so the total averaged recycled content is 15% ([[0.1×5=0.5] + [0.4×1 = 0.4] = 0.9]/6 = 15 yes I calc’d it, actually took me a while, I know I’m not showing the equation right, but you get the idea), okay just wait here I’ll go across the street and check how much post-consumer recycled content is in their cup, of course if they use any styrofoam those are penalty points.

No Comments | Tags: this blog

I always wanted to go whale watching, but that’s a dirty secret not an aspiration.

Whale watching is messed up, we’re going into the whale’s home, and following it, and if we don’t see it one day we’ll be back another day to find him. That’s not whale watch, that is whale stalking.

If fish got a giant tank on wheels then hung outside my house all day to see if I would come outside, I would be upset. Then they leave at night, I’m, relieved, but what the hell, they are waiting again the next morning.

“Okay family, I know we shouldn’t have to, but we have to satisfy these assholes. Everybody get dressed walking into the front yard, do a spin and some back inside.”

Then my picture ends up on a fish’s postcard, but I’m not worried because the ink will run under water.

No Comments | Tags: this blog

“I used to be great at poker but it became a sport. Now I have to sit with me friends and play go-fish because we’re not athletes.”

YES! That’s the constant refrain from millions of sedentary people who don’t want to be active, who don’t want to play spots, but then TV betrayed them and told then they were playing a sport all along. Suddenly they are embarrassed that they will run out of breath playing poker, or maybe a jock will see them playing and make run of how they run or dip chips.

We almost had a cool card game then it was taken away from us. Oh well back to Dungeons and Dragons (for a brief period, weeks, I did play this as a child)

Rant Over - Anyone for go-fish later?

No Comments | Tags: this blog