Some no name brands are honest, they don’t play games. For example when you put your product in a blue package and write “no name” on it, well okay we’re all on the same page. However other no-name products are liars!

They are the loser at school who decided to dress like a cool kid one day, but we all know you’re not a cool kid, “President’s Choice”.

When eating Presidents choice products one quickly questions, “Which President?”.

That must be one shitty country.

(Then I would list off some shitty countries here, but that would be politically incorrect, so just fill in the place with a country you dislike)

Perhaps we start a brand of cheap foods call “Dictators Choice….. for his people”

(I’m looking at you Kim John Ill)

I used to have a joke about how confusing it would be if Kim Jong Ill got sick, newspaper reads. – “Kim Jong Ill, Ill.”

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I don’t know how to explain it, this is all really weird, but some times Friday’s don’t happen. It’s not that I’m dropping the ball and not writing a post or anything, just no Friday this week. I think it’s a leap year thing, blame the moon.

See you Monday.

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The tooth fairy was the greatest invention in the history of anti-bullying. In fact the tooth fairy was invented to stop little kids from getting in fights.

All the time as a child I wanted to punch some kids teeth out, but that would be a reward once they get the teeth. That’s why poor kids pick fights; they need tooth money for food. Ironically without teeth it’s hard to chew. Mom and Dad send the kids to school and tell them to get in a fight.

God help you if you smile when your Dad is drunk and needs another beer, the light bulb goes off and he grabs a few of your teeth. At least there is an overnight waiting period to get your money.

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Quick Rant:

Clearance Sales should be renamed for what they actually are “Shitty Stuff Removal”.

…THIS SUNDAY ONLY! PAY FOR THINGS, YOU WOULD NORMALLY THROW AWAY…

Sometimes Value Village has a sale, “everything you can fit in the bag for $5”

That’s not a sale, that’s you’re a garbage man.

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There are “courtesy seats” on the bus and train, if a cripple person comes on you’re supposed to stand and give them the seat.

That’s crewel.

A cripple person comes on the bus, and that first thing I’m supposed to do is:

“Hey look at me, I can stand” – That makes them feel different – Now I’m a jerk.

There should be seats we only sit in when somebody in a wheel chair comes on the bus – so they don’t feel left out.

Topically related:

Sometimes there is a sign that says “Wheelchair access temporarily out of order”
How convenient, today was the day everybody planned to stop being crippled.

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I saw an Ad for getting weight watchers online. (I could probably stop there and you’ll know what I’m getting at, but I will continue)

So I can now get healthy, without even standing up.

The diet guide would go something like this:

•    Sit in your desk rolling chair and
•    Do three laps around the office
•    Work on your laptop at the same time so productivity does not go down
•    This program sponsored by your workplace

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Lets just put this out in the open.

Baking Soda is an asshole, a control freak, and a little self-involved.

He thinks he can do everything better than everybody else. Baking Soda is out for your job.

First it was just about the muffins, and he knocked off baking powder. That wasn’t enough, he needed more control over our lives.

So he started absorbing odors, knocking out the Glade plug-in. Did I mention he’s also a secret cleaning agent?

Now that backing soda is in the muffins that got stuck in my teeth, he’s in the toothpaste that gets it out. Sounds like somebody is working both angles. Organized crime perhaps?

Moral of the story, be a team player baking soda, stick to one thing, and stop screwing over other consumer products.

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If you think your kids have learning difficulties but can’t afford to get them legitimately tested I have a plan.

1.    Place fork in child’s hand
2.    Place child next to outlet
3.    See what happens
a.    If child shocks self once, OK
b.    If child shocks self twice or more, put them up for adoption

…Science.

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If a telemarketer calls, what do you do?

•    “Never call again!”
•    “How would you feel if I called your house!”
•     “I was just masturbating, but you have a sexy voice, go on…”

Nope, none of the above (well maybe the last).

The key is to keep the telemarketing on the line.

“I’m very interested in your product, lets talk for 20 minutes”

Then after 20 minutes you get ready to order, then click hang up. You just wasted the telemarketers time, and saved countless others from harassment. Trust me they won’t be calling again, you’ve made it unprofitable. Besides missing 20 minutes of American Idol is good for you too.

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This is part two on the topic of accomplishment. First we looked at the topic of feeling accomplished now we will dig deeper into something much more important.

Lazy people, at work, they try to look busy in case the boss comes by. That’s fine and dandy, but it’s not maintainable. If you spend all your time trying to look busy, eventually that’s called doing work. There has got to be a better way.

Here it is, don’t bother looking busy, rather, master this new system LOOKING ACOMPLISHED.

Someone else can look like they are working hard, you gotta look like you’re already finished the task. Sounds like somebody (me) is ready for a promotion.

Here is how you do it:

• Pause
• Look up
• Look serious but pleased
• Scatter papers all over your work area
• Create a to-do list with all items already crossed off

And that is how you make it to up upper-management kids.

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